When I first learned there had been a shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School, the news was vague about who had been shot, by whom, and why they had been shot. Disturbingly enough, my first thought was that this was a domestic disturbance that had spilled over to the school. I expected to hear that this was a father who snapped and went to the school to kill his wife because they were divorcing or because she had been awarded the children in a custody dispute.
When the magnitude of the shooting was revealed, I was horrified. I experienced a profound and visceral reaction. My chest was numb with adrenaline. I was so angry I was shaking a bit and I am not afraid to admit that I shed tears. I have a son who is 7 years old. He is first grade. His elementary school is approximately one mile away from my office.
As the identity of the shooter was revealed and the circumstances leading up to the shooting were revealed, I was even more horrified. This wasn’t a disgruntled spouse who committed this atrocity. It was someone’s son who engaged in matricide and then perpetrated this heinous crime.
What I am going to write now are things that are self evident in the wake of a tragedy like this. Hug your children as much as possible. Appreciate them. Be patient with them. Appreciate the richness they bring to your life.
The next few things I write may not be so self evident. Forget what the custody and visitation order says or what the separation agreement says. Call the parent who doesn’t have custody of or visitation with your children. Let that other parent talk to your children about everything or nothing at all. Make a little…no some substantial extra time for that parent to see the children. Even a few minutes is more than long enough time for a hug and an “I love you.” No matter how ugly the divorce was or who was to blame…no matter how nasty the custody and visitation dispute is or how little child support is being paid…you talk to the other parent. Forgive some trespasses. If you were in the wrong, apologize. Sit down with the other parent and the children and maybe the new wife or the step children. Sit together at the next sporting event. Peacefully coexist for a moment.
Certainly a lot may have happened that caused your divorce. But thank your lucky stars that you had a chance to love and to care for your children. Thank your lucky stars that you had a chance to be an advocate for your children’s best interests. Thank your lucky stars you had a chance to fight for your rights as a parent. Forty parents in Connecticut no longer have those luxuries. I don’t know if any of the parents of the children that were slain in Sandy Hook were divorced and, if they were, how they resolved their split. If they were divorced and they did have a conflict ridden divorce, then I suspect that all of the differences they had and all of things that seemed so important during the divorce are insignificant now.
-Rob Hagy, Charlottesville Divorce Lawyer